What to give up?

Today is Ash Wednesday...the beginning of Lent. It is tradition to give up something during this time. All I have been asked is, "so what are YOU giving up?" Traditionally I would have said something food related which most do..perhaps my cokes from sonic or maybe fast food or something to that effect. For some reason though this year that just doesn't seem significant to me. I mean really how much does giving a certain food up matter? I am here to say any food I have done without for 6 weeks I always return to. So in reality just what did giving up that food do? I did not learn anything by it; other than the fact just how addicted I can be to certain foods...This year I want to go deeper, delve into myself, make a change that hopefully, prayerfully will last..This year I am giving up...

Other peoples' influence over me!(particularly that which comes from family). I have a very close knit family. So close in fact that we own land on which me, my sister, and parents are all building homes on. We will have separate homes but share a backyard. (think Big Love). But with being so close comes the price of being influenced by them. They don't mean to negatively influence me. They don't mean to keep me from growing in my relationship with our Lord. They don't mean to sound harsh when they offer an unrequested opinion. They just mean well by what they say...

So I have decided in this time of Lent to learn how to roll off what comes my way. Put my blinders on so to speak. I can love them, but I don't have to be influenced by them. I can listen to them, but i don't have to follow what they say. As the Bible says my husband is the head of our household and ultimately he is the one responsible for our family. He has not lead us astray and has made very sound decisions. He has delivered us from the bondage of debt and has given us a life we can all be proud of. He purchased our land with the forethought of having our families live together be it his or mine. He has had the fore vision of making plans way before I even thought about it. I trust him and need to not be wavered by some "off the cuff" remark that is made or questioning they do about xyz. God gave me my husband for a reason and during this season I want to do what a Godly wife does and follow and support his lead in complete trust that God is working through him to care for us.

At the end of the day when we are all tucked into bed it is not my extended family I share my bed with but my husband. It is time for me to glorify him and give him his right place in our family. It is time for me to put my "blinders" on from the world and instead to rightly see what is within our 4 walls.

I'm looking forward to going to Mass at lunch time and receiving the ashes placed on my forehead. They will visibly remind me that from dust I came and to dust I will return. It will remind me of the season for sacrifice and contemplation. A time to make changes that will renew my spirit and soul.

As we prepare to move into our new home, I see this time as preparation for my soul. I see being able to put my "blinders" on when needed as a learned lesson so when we do move in to our new home in a couple of months I will move in with a renewed dedication to my husband and to my family and being stronger than ever. I look forward to the following 6 weeks of repentance, contemplation and prayer with the joy that Easter will bring forth.

Confess and be filled..

Went to confession yesterday. It had been a few months so I decided I wanted to go before Lent kicks off on Ash Wednesday. You would have thought I was being held down from going...First I put Paloma down for a nap so she would not kick and scream for me when I left...then I go to the nearest church thinking it wouldn't take long and I could hurry back in time to go to *artist's* soccer game..Well, I go into the chapel and there are about 10 people ahead of me and I'm there early!! So I decide to wait until I realize its taking like 10 min. per person during confession. I get impatient and go to another church thinking surely there will be no line and I can get in and out quick. Uh. No. Same thing ends up happening!! 10 people in front of me. At this point I have no choice but to wait and yes each person took 10 mins up. Heck one little old lady( bless her heart) took 15 mins! So I waited and finally made my confession. Phew. Felt better. Did my penance. Haul butt to *artists* game only to see they had just finished. hanging head in defeat now...So I ended up stopping at the store for a rotisserie chicken and we ate that for dinner.

Went to Mass this morning and it was so uplifting. I prayed before Mass for it to speak to me and sure enough it did! Our priest talked about the sacrament of reconciliation and how important as Catholics it is to fulfill this sacrament as much as we can. He pleaded with the parish to return to this practice, to relinquish guilt over wrongdoings, and to find peace knowing that we are forgiven. I sat there feeling so uplifted knowing I had just received that same sacrament yesterday. God is good!

I sang completely filled as did *artist* and Mariposa. Their singing lifted me as well. Nothing feels better then to hear them praise God and say their prayers. Paloma did exceptionally well. Normally we go into the cry room but there was no room so we were in the pew. It worked out well minus the m&m she dropped at the guy's back sitting in front of us that I had to sneakily scoop up! woops!

All in all what a blessed Sunday. Off to go to my sister's for Sunday dinner and celebrate her son's b-day. What a wonderful way to end a wonderful day. Happy Sunday everyone!

Jonesing..

I was reading in another blog how her husband is now unemployed but how they are not worried. They have nothing to begin with: no house (they rent), no investments, no new cars, no eating out. This really got me reflecting on my own life.

We are building a new home. One that fits us. You can only squeeze in a family of 6 into 1300sf for so long. Our new home is not ginormous by any means but it will accomodate us and fit our needs. Being that everything is going to be "new" I have been wanting everything that will go into the house to be "new" as well. Now how greedy is that? I have even been tempted to go back into debt (we finally got out of the bondage of debt after 15 years) just to satisfy my greedy, earthly craving for a new sectional and other new must-haves.

Do I really NEED these things? Uh...NO. I have recognized my greed and recognized I am acting like a spoiled brat. I mean my husband has been building my house for over a year and a half and now that we are close to being done I slap him in the face with a "what do you mean we can't afford xyz? I can't have my open house without new stuff. Our old stuff will make our new home look awful!" What a jerk I have been!!!

Thankfully I have had a few people in my life put me where I need to be ie: humble yourself girl and realize just how LUCKY I am that I am getting this beautiful family home. I don't need to decorate it overnight. I'll be there for the rest of my life. And furthermore why the need for greed?

I'll tell you why...I have been Jonesing. I have been going into friend's homes that have the new leather sofas, the new suv in the drive way(and yes I had been vying for a new car to go with the new home...can I barf now?), the new techno gadgets, etc. I go into their homes and think wow I would love that but you know what? The more I ask and the more time I spend there do I realize that yes they have all this stuff but they are also in debt up to their eyeballs! When they find out I don't have cc debt they think I am the lucky one! How ironic is that. All along I have been fantasizing on how lucky they are, to have what they have, when in reality I am the one truly lucky and do feel blessed.

I'm just glad I realized all this before it was too late. Last night hubbie asked me if the credit cards were still doing promotions where you get interest free financing for a year. I said yes and why? He in then turns to say we should go get that card and buy what I was wanting and just pay it off before interest sets in. He was trying to PLEASE me. I felt so bad. He must have been thinking about this a lot. I told him No thanks. What we have still works and until we can save up and afford something outright we will make do with what we have and appreciate what we have. I don't want to be under that bondage of debt again. Its not worth the new washer and dryer and sectional sofa. Its not worth the late night fights over how we are going to buy groceries and pay the bills.

It just makes me sick how greedy and spoiled I have been. I mean there are people losing their jobs right and left. People are losing their homes. People are sick and don't have health care. Who freakin' cares about the new suv and the leather couch. I 'm so glad to have shaken myself up and realize that what matters is the "heart" of the home and the "heart" ain't the newest gadget to show off. The "heart" is in those that live there and their willingness and desire to share our lives together.

Rediscovering my faith..

I have been pouring myself into this book as of late and have been in much contemplation. I know it sounds cheesey...a dummie book for catholics but seriously I am one catholic NOT in the know. Despite growing up in a family with a lineage of nuns, priests, and catholics for some reason my parents never instilled the traditions in me. Yes we went to Mass on Sundays...well some Sundays but my mother only managed to go as far as getting me baptized and my first communion but not my confirmation. I have always felt like I had an empty space to fill. I keep trying to get confirmed but they start classes in september and ends in april with Easter. My problem has been I have either been pregnant, have a small child to care for, or no available sitters to watch the kids. I think, I hope, I pray that finally this september I will be in a place to start my confirmation and fulfill my duty as a catholic. I'm really excited about the prospect and looking forward to it.

It saddens me that my children are not being raised in a household full of catholic tradition. But how can they be when I don't even understand it all or comprehend it all? My poor husband converted to catholicism from being a baptist for me at our wedding. He literally had his catholic baptism and first communion at our wedding. What a blessing that was but some how we just kinda got stuck there and never went further. Its like our lives became overwhelmed by finishing school, having babies, numerous moves, and just trying to survive in a new marriage.

I really feel like now that we have 15 years of marriage under our belt and the kids are getting older I am FINALLY in a place that I can give my full attention and focus on my faith and how I want my faith to play out in our family.

I"ll never forget a year ago when I was at church I was in the way back trying to calm down Paloma. She was a baby at the time and very fussy. It was towards the end of Mass when a girl maybe 17yo came to the back and put her hands on the feet of the statue of Mary and began praying in silence. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. She finished her prayer, crossed herself and left. I will never forget that and I felt so honored to be there to witness that. I want that. I want that for my children. I want them to have a love, admiration, and relationship with Our Blessed Mary.

This is why I have been spending so much time as of late in contemplation and in my Dummie Book(its very good. written by priests who are often seen on EWTN. wished I had that channel but can't afford it yet.) I feel like its my time to grow and its my time to bring our faith into our everyday lives.

My father always says "once a Catholic, always a Catholic." I couldn't agree more...its just that now I realize just what I was taking for granted all along.

My Valentine's Surprise

Wow what a valentine's surprise I had! I had no idea nor did I see it coming..Dh woke up early Saturday morning. I figured he went to work as usual..BUT he comes home with gifts for us all! Yippee! He bought me 2 dozen red roses, a box of chocolates, and the most beautfiul diamond circle of life necklace. I love it! I'm wearing it now. After seeing how big the bouquet was he asked if it was ok to give my mom one dozen of the roses since she has had a tough year. Of course I said yes! We delivered her flowers later in the day and she was in tears. So sweet indeed.

The kids each got a box of chocolates and *artist* got a monogrammed necklace as well. Hubbie felt like she is getting to the age that she needs to learn what being treated right is all about. What a wonderful example he is to her. Alejandro got a star wars toy along with his chocolate. The little ones got a pooh and tigger plush toy with theirs. It was all truly so sweet. He had everything on the kitchen table set up for us so that when we woke up it was all there.

We had a nice family day. We all hung out, went to the library for a book sale (they had books for sale on the way cheap), went to get some groceries and later went to *artist's* soccer game. We got out of the game late since it started at 6 so we picked up a pizza and watched Charlie Brown's Valentine show on tv. It was such a loving, special, family day for us all. I feel so blessed and lucky to have each of them in my lives and to have such a wonderful husband who spoils me and my kids! I love you honey. xo

Chicken Stir-Fry

This was dinner tonight. So easy. So good. So cheap.

Ingredients: 4-5 chicken breasts
1-2 bags frozen stir fry vegetables (I use 2 bags)
1 bottle La Choy Garlic Ginger sauce
bowl of instant white rice



Directions: Boil chicken breasts in a pot of water. Take out and shred the meat up. Add a bit of oil to skillet and add chicken. Then add the frozen veggies and the whole bottle of sauce. Add a bit of water to the bottle and shake it up and add that to the stir fry to make it more moist. Cover and cook until veggies are done. Serve over rice and if you are really going all out you can bake up some frozen spring rolls to go with it. I usually will eat mine with nama shoyu (soy sauce) on top with some jalapenos. I love the heat the jalapenos give.

We eat this once a week. Its cheap and my whole family loves it.

7th Heaven

Not sure I should be watching this show anymore. Reruns air daily on the hallmark channel and may I say each time I watch my ovaries get a tingle. (Don't even let me tell you how watching one of my fav. movies: Yours, Mine, Ours makes me feel. I love that movie!!) I swear I was done having kids till I rediscovered this show again. I already have 4 awesome, healthy, well adjusted kids. Isn't my desire to have more just being greedy at that point?

I think my desire to have a large family stems from my upbringing. I have 3 siblings but they are all much older than me. My brother is 10 years older, my sister is 11 years older, and my other sister is 12 years older. So basically I was raised an only child and spent A LOT of time alone. I was so lonely...I think that is why having a lot of kids does not bother me much because I love the constant comings and goings and noise even if it does drive me crazy. It just feels like life to me and I love it! Now that my oldest is 14 already I realize just how fast time goes and how sad an empty nest would feel.

I really thought I was done. I went in recently for my annual exam only to discover that I suffer from endometriosis and adenomyosis. Both problems would make it difficult for me to get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy. I decided at that time I was done making babies and was going to enjoy the 4 I have now to the fullest. Well now that Paloma is 3 I see babyhood leaving fast. I can't see her as a baby anymore. A part of me aches feeling that. Even hubbie is sad at the thought of no more babies. But given my health status I just don't think it would be fair to any one of us to take on another pregnancy and baby.
However this is where my faith comes into play. I know from my own personal testimony that God plays a role and if He so wants us to bring another life into this world His work will be done. I have comfort knowing that ultimately its not my choice to be had. It is His. I just pray that whatever His will is that I will have comfort in my heart knowing what is truly best for my family.