I'm fine...No really I am...

Why do we do this? We go out into the world with smiles on our faces acting like everything is fine in our lives when in reality we are crumbling and need someone to lift us up. Or is it just me? Am I the ONLY one out there willing to admit that behind my smile everything is not always fine?

Really all we are doing is hurting each other by not opening up. I have learned so much from other people going through hard times. I have gleaned strength and inspiration through others sharing their stories and trials. Why do we keep being a blessing to each other from each other.

Case in point: my bff and my few close friends do know the REAL me. They can tell in my voice or see in my face when its been "one of those days" and you know what...instead of looking down on me or being surprised I could have a bad day, they offer to bring dinner or offer to listen to me vent into the phone for an hour until I feel better. Yes those are my friends.

This in stark contrast to the numerous amount of acquaintances I have formed. I mean I have 3 kids in school with a youngen at home and believe me I have many I see and talk to on a daily basis and chit chat with in the halls and carpool lanes. I have to admit these are the ones I put my own "smile" on for. I try not to let them see the loneliness I sometimes feel when they all get together for drinks and I can't cause I have a youngen at home. I try not to let them see how bad I feel when they plan their next get together and I'm not invited. Why would I be? I'm hardly available to go and when I do I can only go for a short time because I do have a van full of kids to pick up and drop off. For me that is where my "smile" comes in. It hides the loneliness I feel. But in reality do I really have the time for friendships and daily playdates? I'm not sure. I mean any person looking at my schedule marvels at how I do it. I have 3 kids in three different schools with 3 different pick up drop off times plus sports. And yes I do it all on my own. Hubbie is too busy working a day job and running his own business and building our home.

Makes me wonder if anyone else feels the same way? My one saving grace is internet. How nice it is to connect with others and I can do it on my time. woo-hoo. I used to think how could you form real friends on the net. But boy have I learned you can...I have felt the prayers lifted for me in times of need. I have received packages from these women I have grown to love. I do consider them my bffs as well. They know me. They "get" me. and I don't have to put a "smile" on for them.

Why am I so hungry?

I just ate my usual bowl of Kashi cereal with almond milk and drank my decaf coffee with organic half and half. You would think I would be full right? Uh. no. I am holding myself down on this chair trying my best to keep myself from scarfing down last nights' mexican take out burrito. The worst part is it wasn't even that good. I've decided I need a pad lock for my fridge.

Seriously I can eat my husband out of his own food. Its so bad I have even gone to doctors begging them to test my thyroid. I mean surely there is sound medical reason for my obsessive hunger pangs right? All I can say is my tests always come back normal and the doctors actually encourage me! They say I'm fine....I look fine....really? I mean I have to suck in my breath to button my jeans and do the whole tucking thing and only then do I manage to keep my jeans on for longer than the time it takes to drop off and pick up kids from school...then smile with glee as I click the garage door opener and come inside and peel the jeans off and put back on my oh so comfy lets me breathe lounge pants from old navy. Guess what I'm wearing now? lol.

Maybe I am secretly self sabotaging my diet that I supposedly started a post ago? Now don't get me wrong..I was really neck deep in doritos, cookies, and soda and have since curtailed but it has done nothing for my hunger. A carrot stick is just not going to cut it. Off to eat that burrito. Darn mexican food gets me every time.

I'm no skinny mini

I've come to the conclusion I am no skinny mini nor do I eat like one. I have way fallen off the healthy bandwagon. These past few weeks have been a blur of sonic fountain cokes, nacho cheese doritos, brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and fast food drive thrus.

I've been looking at skinny minis and how they eat and lets just say they are not visiting the taco villa drive thru for the 3 rd time this week. No. They really are eating salads and what I refer to as "bird food". They eat small portions. and yes they do work out.

Why am I just now getting this? Have I kept myself in denial with blinders on thinking these skinny women are just blessed to be skinny? That their muscle defined legs came from sitting at the computer 8 hours a day? What an epiphany I feel I have had.

I hate to give up my comforting, favorite, oh so tasty foods but have come to the conclusion that I am about to blow up like a whale if I don't stop now! I mean I'm in my mid 30s and just looking at food packs on the pounds. I'm no longer in my 20s where I can eat whatever and laze around and not get fat. No its time to grow up and get real about food.

I've decided to eat one salad everyday. To make a pot of soup for the week to have for snacks when needed. To drink more water (try). To make a commitment to myself. If only that darn Taco Villa drive thru was not calling my name so loudly...

Sick kid, out of town guests

spells trouble!!! I have been dealing with sick kids all week. Oldest (we'll call her the *artist* she is really good and no I'm not just saying that cause she is my child) was sick first, then Mariposa, and now Paloma. I took in Mari yesterday to the doc to get screened for strep but thank heavens it was negative. Just a virus. Looking like Paloma has the same virus..
So wouldn't you know with sick kids and a house that has not seen daylight in a week aka has not been cleaned one bit I would have company coming to stay. They should be here in about 8 hours. Is that long enough to clean a week's worth of crud? Not!
So, I am cooking in the crock pot, running the vac, and praying no one opens a closet door. IF they do harm will certainly come. I mean the tower of rubble can only stay up pressed against the closed door for so long.

I'm bummed at the timing of it all. My sil is coming with her 2yo that I have yet to meet. I want to go places with them and do fun stuff but that is most likely out the door. Paloma is attached to my hip being sick and lets just say she is not a nice sick person. She is out right grumpy, grouchy. Why can't I have the sick kid that just lays around the couch and sleeps all day?? No I have Oscar the Grouch. sigh.

Normally when company comes I run a bed and breakfast. I bake homemade muffins, provide scented linens, new soap, a couple of gossip rags to read on the bed. Today lets just say they will be lucky to get a bottle of water. Which reminds me do I even have any left? Tell me now I don't have to run to the store with Oscar the Grouch for water..argh.

I'm a tucker; I'm a muffin topper

I admit it I am committing the ultimate sin what TLCs What Not to Wear swears NOT to do: wearing jeans tight to the point you create a muffin topper above the waistband. Well may I say I have my reasons for being a self proclaimed muffin topper. My most proud reason: having had 4 kids. I have the badge of honor of having created and cooked and birthed 4 kids. Yeah that excess skin, that pouch that hangs..that is what creates that topper look.
I swear I really am a size 10. My legs fit into a size 10. My butt fits into a size 10. My belly? well lets just say it would be happier in a size 12. Now here is where my dilemma comes in. I put the size 12 on and my legs are swimming, you can't find my butt, but yeah the tummy fits. So I default to the size 10 where my legs look good, my butt is lifted and looks cute and yes I tuck my pouch/excess skin in as much as I can to fit into my size 10 that besides having the muffin topper look really good...

Which leads me to my point. Why as women are we so harsh of other women and how they wear their clothes. I must admit before having kids I would have been all over the muffin toppers and have been a hater. Now that I have been so humbled I find myself joining that club of women. Can we not just see the beauty within women without having to judge them? So what if their flab hangs over? Maybe they are like me and have had some big kids growing in that belly. Or maybe they have hormone probs that makes them fat in the middle. Who are we to judge? and better yet why do we do it?

you tube

What would I do without you tube?
Yesterday was so freakin' busy..I had to record the inauguration of Obama just to watch his speech and then last night I get so caught up with the kids that I missed the Ball! Waaahh..
Mom calls asking if I saw her dress and them dance and blah, blah and I missed it. But no worries here. Thank you, you tube. I was able to watch their dance. Oh how special it was to hear Beyonce sing and watch them dance..It brings tears to my eyes watching it and I have only watched it a bajillion times. So happy and so full of hope.

It's About Time..

To join other bloggers and get blogging.

To document my life with 4 kids and being married to my HS sweetheart and best friend.

To not be scared of living the life of my dreams.

It's about time for...CHANGE.