Light after darkness

This is a hard post for me to write. I just don't want to come across as spoiled or not appreciative of what I have. At the same time those that truly know me know that I need to be true to myself and to be transparent and honest so here goes...

The few weeks before our house was ready for move in were some of the darkest weeks I faced. The pure frustration of missing move in deadlines. The pure frustration of having to fire workers last minute and find new ones. The pure frustration of maxing out our home construction loan and having to finish out with cash. Honestly I checked out of the whole situation those last weeks. I just couldn't take it on. The stress of it all. So I did what I could to bear with the situation. I focused inward and on my home that I was living in at the time and truly fell back in love with it. As I walked through the hall in the evenings I would reminisce of the times I would hold a crying baby as I paced the hall at night while everyone slept. As I sat in my kitchen, I would reminisce of all the time spent peeling a gazillion layers of wallpaper out and faux finishing the walls with my husband. As I sat in my backyard I would reminisce of the b-ques we would have and the many pinatas broken apart. It was with such a heavy heart that I would be leaving this place I called home for 7 years. The place I brought 2 newborns home too. The place that saw me through finishing my education.

I was kidding myself to think that I would not have material attachment to "things". I was kidding myself thinking I shouldn't even be attached to them. Oh how I have learned. Its not necessarily the material things I became attached to but the memories they would bring to me when I saw, touched, and smelled these things. These things made it a home and boy did I learn just how much so when I moved into a completely empty space, a shell of a home. Those first few days when we moved into our new home were so lonely, isolating, empty. How could I fill over 2500 sq. feet with what I had in 1400sq. feet. How could I "nest" this empty space while my heart was breaking and yearning for my home. It didn't help that my 3yo would cry to go back home and when we would go to the old place she would cry wanting to stay there and sleep there and go home. I felt the same way but I had to put on my strong face and choke back the tears of losing what I had. I wanted so badly to just move back in. I mean the nails were still in the wall I just needed to put the pics back up. The cabinet liners were still in place. I could just put things back right? Wrong.

Father's Day my oldest *artist* wrote my husband the most touching card. She thanked him for building our home even though we don't have much money. She thanked him for all those hard hours he was working to make this possible. She thanked him for giving her her own room and space to call her own. It was then I knew there was no turning back and it was time for me to put on my big girl panties. I had to get down to business and nest this place up. I needed to make it home not only for me but for my family. So for the past 3 weeks sans internet I have done just that. Believe it or not I have not bought much new stuff. The vast majority came from our other house and I just did a lot of creative re purposing.

I can honestly say after 3 weeks of tears, fear, discouragement, I have come out of the darkness and now see the light. I have nested up my home (it still is a work in progress) and I can honestly say I love, love, love my home. I am so proud to call this house our home. I am so proud to live where I live. I am so happy and so blessed that my husband stuck it out for the past 2 years developing and building on our land. He didn't just build a house but he built our future. He made a foundation for our family. This is our home we plan to retire in and have our grandchildren come visit. I'm so happy that he had this vision for our family and that when the going got tough he didn't quit even though I wanted to many a times. (his stubborn nature really paid off this time lol). I feel so happy and so blessed to have what I have. I love watching Paloma ride her scooter through the great room (we have stained floors). I love hearing the kids run through the house with space to run and play. I loved watching the fireworks from my front porch and back yard. I am loving making all the new memories we are making and appreciating all these moments. I now feel the vision my husband had a few years ago. I now feel gratitude and appreciation in my heart for what he has been able to do and provide. I finally feel at home and loving it as are my kids.

I will forever be grateful and thankful for what I have but I must say there really should be a support group for those who build a home. Those that have been there done that all agree that it truly is one of the hardest things you go through to do and one of the most trying but if you can make it through to the end the rewards are great. You'll have a home that you built on your land that is all your own. What could be better than that. Well...maybe chocolate...maybe.